Reverse dieting Journey…week 1

So here I am, a little over one week post competition. Abs are far gone…good bye. I am certain that I am holding water from eating so much- so my weight isn’t reliable at the moment. I’m going to start one week being “on track” then will start posting pictures.

So to sum up my journey to the stage….Definitely brought a better “package” – I worked on building my shoulders and glutes and tried to lean out more. I believe I achieved that. I worked on my mindset tremendously and feel that I strengthened and grew. I went on stage and felt confident and was happy with my posing and stage presence (that is the first time I’ve ever thought that).

Through this prep I dealt with A LOT of challenges. I can’t remember any time in my life that I’ve dealt with this many struggles back to back that rocked me to my core. I lost friendships through this time, I found out “friends” that were only using me, and “friends” who smile to my face yet stab me in my back. I wanted to give up numerous times but kept fighting. I’m very loving and have a soft heart, even though I portray strong and confident - these betrayals hurt me deeply and quite honestly I’m not healed completely yet, even though I say I’m ok.

I wanted to win my competition – to feel at least that all this shit was worth something. Not winning my pro card was a disappointment but even more so because I could not place a “meaning” to why I had to go through all I did. I dealt with feelings of being a “loser”, thoughts of my haters talking about me, feelings of embarrassment, confusion on what my plans are next, joys of eating cookies, lol.

I still don’t know why things played out the way they did, but I have faith that one day I will look back and understand fully why they did. For now, I need to stay focused on the present and look forward to the future rather than scrutinizing the past.

As far as my competition goals….it’s usually once a year – so I have a year to decide what I want to do. In one sense, I believe that bikini competitions are subjective and it’s not clear what exactly the judges are looking for when they choose the winner. It’s not “healthy” what bikini girls do the week leading up to the stage. It’s not realistic to maintain that look all year. It’s a hell of a lot of cardio for me to get that lean. But on the other hand, I enjoy the journey – the prep – the training. It’s a goal that I look forward to and it excites me. I’m torn in the middle and am unclear where I want to go from here.

In the meantime – continue to build shoulders and glutes…I want my abs to be “blockier” so I’ll work on that. The feedback from the judges was that I have good shape and build but need to be leaner. Although I felt overly thin – I will work on not plumping up too much so that I can be leaner. I usually gain 30# during the off season – so my goal here is to reverse diet and stay lean.

I would like to keep my abs all year and stay within the 120 range. That is my goal……possible? Realistic? “Do or do not…there is no try”. If you’ve read my blogs before you know that I struggle with emotional eating – needless to say I’ve been going nonstop since my show. I’ve also only gotten 1 workout in this past week – I have no drive to get my butt up and to the gym. So as far as my September goal…..stick to macros and get my training in.